TORONTO – Black Toronto mothers gathered at The Globe and Mail Centre for a fireside chat to discuss the realities of motherhood, and what it means to be a mother during the Racialized Maternal Health Conference. Founder of Black Moms Collection Tanya Hayles was joined by sexologist Shan Boodram to talk about their journeys to motherhood and their advice for moms-to-be!
Both women shared that growing up, neither of them had a yearning to be a mother. Boodram explained that she didn’t think she wanted to have kids until she was 34, and had built a life that she loved, including a loving husband and a happy marriage.
She considered all aspects of her life before getting pregnant, including her finances.
“Make sure that you’re financially stable, it’s a very big part of it. As Tanya was saying, formula is very expensive. Diapers are expensive, all that is expensive. You don’t know what your body is going to do in terms of lactation, so be prepared for all realities,” Boodram told The Brandon Gonez Show in an interview.
She recommends reviewing your finances, looking at your accounts, and considering if you have the financial resources to start a family. But she also says that if you don’t have that option, you will be okay.
“If you have the option to think about it, I mean life happens and we’re women, we’re superheroes, we will figure it out, we will make it work. Women have been making it work with far less resources than anybody listening right now has had.”
Boodram has a new baby and a toddler. But she didn’t plan to have her daughters so close together. After giving birth to her daughter Ryu, she explained that she chose not to have an IUD inserted, as she wanted to give her body a break from hormonal contraception. She then became pregnant for the second time soon after.
Boodram gave birth to both of her daughters during the pandemic. She had considered returning to Canada for her birth, but due to COVID restrictions, it was a struggle. The sexologist says that being born is a business in the United States.
Shan explained that her birth cost her about $6,000 out of pocket, but this was just a co-pay. Boodram has medical insurance, and she shared that her births would have cost significantly more without that coverage.
“It’s a pay-to-play experience,” said Boodram.
“You’ll have just given birth and they come in with a credit card machine,” she shared, adding that within two hours of giving birth, she was paying for her medical services.
Advice for Mothers
In an interview, Shan shared why participating in events like the Racialized Maternal Health Conference is important.
“Motherhood is everything and everywhere. And when you become a mom you realize that it’s not a separate part of your life, it’s a continuous part of your life,” said Boodram.
“[This] is for the young moms, the moms who haven’t done it yet to be like ‘Okay that’s not normal’,” Shan explained, adding that hearing other people’s experiences can give new moms a level of expectation while giving birth, and navigating the healthcare system.
“Nobody wants to plan for worst-case scenario but too often for Black women, especially in the healthcare system, you do have to do that.”
During the event, Shan and Tanya also took the opportunity to share the advice that they learned along this journey.
“If it brings you joy, it’s your toy,” laughed Boodram, explaining that it’s important to let children learn and explore, and not sweat the small stuff. But she explained that things do get intense, often.
“Motherhood is everything all together all at once,” said Boodram adding that the experience is made up of “really high highs and really low lows”.
“As a parent your plans become aspirations,” she continued, explaining that it can put a strain on your relationship with your partner, and yourself.
Hayles shared that embracing yourself as a multifaceted woman is also important.
“When you become a mom you’re supposed to be a mom first, and sometimes a mom only,” Hayles said, adding that it can be easy to lose yourself in that. But she explained that by being a multi-dimensional woman, she is setting a good example for her son.
While one audience member questioned how you can be a good parent while working through your own trauma, Boodram and Hayles shared some reminders.
“It’s not about blaming your parents for what they did or didn’t do, it’s different,” said Hayles, adding that we parent ourselves every day.
“Sorry is such a great tool,” said Boodram, adding that you’re not broken just because you need fixing.
Black Moms Connection
Hayles founded Black Moms Connection when her son was little, and describes it as a digital village, because it takes a village to raise a child, “but it also takes a village to raise you”.
“As a new Black mother, I needed a space and community where I could ask questions that were specific to Black mothers about their Black children. When I did not find the support I needed in other mother and parent groups, I created that community, starting with a meeting with 12 Black mothers in Toronto,” Hayles told The Brandon Gonez Show.
She described a time when a young mother-to-be in the group posted about how no one showed up to her baby shower. Hayles said a bunch of mothers in the Facebook group organized a virtual baby shower, where group members sent the young mom items from her registry to help her prepare for her new arrival.
Hayles said that they were creating a digital village, and virtual events, to connect with other moms around the world long before the pandemic made virtual meetings the norm. She also shared her hopes for the future of the organization.
“Our hope for Black Moms Connection is to become a million-dollar organization with a child care facility and a global team to support the ever-growing needs of Black mothers.”
“The creation of Black Moms Connection meant that we were available to support thousands of Black mothers not only around the world, but specifically in the US after the televised death of many Black folks, which created a collective fear for Black mothers concerned with losing their children and partners at the hands of police,” said Hayles.
“Our community and platform was in existence and ready to support. Never was it imagined that this group of 12 from Toronto would turn into almost 30, 000 globally,” she continued.
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